Passion // Worth it?

I am back today, because I feel the need to write out my thoughts and get rid of negative energy that has been flowing around me. I have been working on a project for last 12 months and it has been a wonderful experience for me. I have loved every minute of the project. It has been challenging, and a great learning. I have simply loved the work and I didn’t realize when I was being driven by a passion.

Today is not the first day, when I don’t feel like being associated with this project. It is not one thing that has led to me feeling like this – it has been a combination of several things and some of those most recently. However, I am still able to find something in me that makes me go back and get stuff done. I still fine myself working on things when the chips are down.

But, this passion of mine takes so much out of me – so much so that it makes me think if all this is worth it?

I don’t have an answer to the question yet; but I am hopeful that one day i am able to define what this balance means for me.

 

Advertisements

Recent Success // Relish

It has been a while since I have been back to my blog and I have been feeling that i am missing my whole point of why I started this – to leave back a legacy a story that my kid can read and know her dad more.

Last year I have been busy a project that I was working on during my tenure for Sapient Nitro. I joined Sapient Nitro back in Nov 2012 and by April 2013, I

The NASCAR Busch Series field at Texas Motor S...
The NASCAR Busch Series field at Texas Motor Speedway in April 2007 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

was already working for one of the most well known Sports Giant in USA ~ NASCAR. Yeah you heard me right – I was (one of) the Architect on the project and was responsible for delivery from India team. It was a long project and needed me to step up big time. It took a lot for me to get back to what I was several years before. Once I was in the grove it was plain and simple fun for me.

After spending 12 months on the project, I can proudly announce my success looking at the following 3 dimensions

  • Delivering a new platform NASCAR.com which is viewed by millions of people when their races are one;
  • I was nominated and then won the Distinguished Technologist Award in Sapient. This award is given to a selected few every year and I was selected as the one of the technologists who made a difference;
  • Got promoted as Sr. Manager Technology and it felt great because i had just joined as Manager Tech and in a year’s time I had proven myself yet again

 

 

Is Love Enough?

English: Love question
Image via Wikipedia

“Them or Me?” – I pray that none of us find themselves standing at crossroads when they have to choose between two people.  This question will always rip someone apart – a situation than can only lead to a scar for the rest of their lives to all the parties – You (who has been asked to decide); the “Me” (who has asked you to make the choice); the “Them” (one who Questioner has decided to break all bonds).

 

Yet, if life brings us to that crossroads, it is unto us to make the decision and live with it the rest of our lives. Most often than not, we do not try to understand the “Me” as to why they are making this decision. We make all the efforts to understand what went wrong between the “Me” and “Them”, but we forget that the “Me” is beyond the point. If they have come to this, the battle has been lost and “You” can do nothing that can change their mind. All they are looking for at that time is support.

 

“You” forget that the “Me” asked “You”, because “You” matter in their lives. “Me” did not decide to just leave, “Me” asked “You” to join them to walk the path and share the pain. “Me” wants to be with “You” and try to heal the wound they have just given “You”. “Me” asked you to let go a part of your life, because “Me” does not want to let go of “You”.

 

If is then that “You” will have to decide is you can spend the rest of your life not hating “Me” for what they did. If you can not forgive in that very instant, then the war is lost. “You” will ask “Me” to forgive and let go, but “You” have to do this first and walk the path and make sure that they converge back.

 

One may argue, that the “Me” is not considerate towards the feelings of that someone special – yet “Me” chose “You”; if you think “Me” loves “You”, the question remains – do you? The question remains – if “You” would have asked that question, would “Me” be their for “You”.

 

One may argue, that “You” would never do this. And that is who “You” are. “Me” is who he/she is. If “You” can not live with for what they are (which might not be what they have been); then “You” have just witnessed the death of that relationship. “You” very well might choose “Them”. The question remains – do you want to live with “Me” and hate them or let go and love “Me” for what he/she was.

 

One may argue, that “Me” is not considering “Your” feelings and they are being stubborn on their irrational logic. One may argue that “Me” does not love “You” because they are ready to cause you pain and ignoring what “You” want. The question remains – “Do you love them”.

The question remains – “Is Love Enough”.

 

The Demon inside me

My family has been telling me for years now that I have the Anger of my father and fore-fathers. Yet, until recently I never thought of doing something about it. I did not see it a as something that needs to be fixed – I just had it and it was a trait of my personality. Until, recently when a thought stuck me and I realized that this needs to be fixed as it is not keeping me happy.

In the years 2008-2011, I had been getting more and more patient – being able focus on things that really mattered. However, my actions brought a not so welcome change  – I have been getting quieter more and more. To the extent that my wife asked me recently – “How many days can you stay in a room all alone?”. As per the law of the universe “everything is made in pairs”; this downside came with an upside i.e. I became a great listener. When I did not have to speak I was listening and hearing. And when needed I had all the context that needed.

 

The downside has higher consequences than the benefits the upside brought. And also, I figured out there has to be away for me to get rid if the downside while I still reap the benefits of the trait I picked up all this while.

 

I have to narrate an analogy of a person and his belongings and how a person would go about protecting their belongings. the analogy is simple enough and it is about a person and his house. The house can be categorized into the following grouping:

BELONGINGS

These are things that matter a person. I will speak about these things in terms of where and how a person would place their belongings and not what those are.

1. Boundary Wall: It is something that is the most exterior part of the house. Something that anyone who walks by can see. How the boundary wall looks gives the stranger some insight into who lives in the house to it is important to the person living in the house.

2. Garden: It is place inside the house where the person would sit and relax. But, it is yet a public place where people can see him/her and his/her friends, family and anything he wishes to put out there. Once again like the boundary wall, it reflects something about the person living the house but is more sacred. Not everyone can see it, and the person would take care to present it to the people who would be invited in.

3. Sitting Area: This place is well inside the house hidden from prying eyes and accessible visible to any external public. Only those who are invited get to experience it. And it is this nature of the place that makes it more critical for him to take care. It is more personal.

4. Bed Room: I thought very carefully and then decided on this room, because this is private. A room where not everyone can enter. Only a selected few are allowed in this room. This is one room that he would find very sacred to himself.  This is private.

5. Locker/Safe: As it suggests, a place that where he would keep his deepest secrets not wanting anyone to venture into it. Something that is very secure and also a place that only he would know of in the house. This is sacred.

ACTORS

These are people with whom a person interacts in their lifetime.

1. Strangers: Someone we don’t know, we see so many of them everyday

2. Acquaintances: Could be anyone – our colleagues, people we deal with for work. Someone we are not close but we know just them enough

3. Friends: Need I say more?

4. Family: Need I say more?

5. ME: This is only a reflection of myself. ME represents thoughts, feelings, emotions a person would have.

Now, we need to think of the possibility that the Actors, will interact with person through his/her belonging. A person would be okay with some level of interaction between the two and anything else would simply be a violation of his/her space and it that violation that a person needs to stop.

A person would have a dog in their house to stop this violation and unleash the dog on people who would venture beyond their allowed areas.

My Dog is my Demon and than demon comes out in the shape of the Anger.

My Demon has been trained like any other dog over a period of time to behave in certain ways and that pattern is depicted below.

SNAGHTML99737d

I am sure you would be able to draw a similar correlation to your belongings, actors and demon as well, but essentially the point is the more we are to ourselves we are shielding things from people around us. If we keep everything locked up, our demon will have no choice to but to attack the ones we love – Family and Friends.

And, when our loved ones try to get into the next room, the demon at times just lashes at them to keep them out and over a period of time they know the door for them is closed.

I know now where I live my life; in which rooms do I have my emotions sitting. The solution are simple – either I retrain my demon or I move my emotions to a different room.

I don’t know which is easier, but I am sure one those can be done.

2012 Goals

I spent the previous weekend thinking about 2 things:

[box]

[/box]

Looking back the year 2011, it became crystal clear to me what was required to be done in 2012 and unlike me – this time around I came up with Goals I would like to achieve in 2012. After some thinking, I decided not to call them as Resolutions; but look at them as Goals. My Goals will be categorized into 4 categories. I will share some specific goals with you all while some private ones I am going to keep “private” (this didnt come out that well). But, for the private ones, I will share a higher level of description so that you do understand where I am going with them.

After I was done with the definition, I realized that a lot of these linked and achieving some of those will help me in achieving others – but they are still independent in a way that there could be factors which will influence Goals and make me work hard towards achieving those

Finance

In the given nature of the world, this is one segment you can not afford to miss out on. I will not rant about why this is important, because I assume we all are aware of the importance of this segment. The goals are listed below and as you may see they have some overlap and while I may be able to achieve some of those I may completely or partially miss others

[box]

  1. Minimum savings should be x-Lacs (updated)
  2. Control Expenses in specific segments (includes only 4 of total 10 segments of my finances) – should not exceed more than an x-amount (updated)

[/box]

[learn_more caption=”Measurement Criteria”] All these goals will be accessed Monthly. I thought about moving these to a quarterly frequency, but decided against it because this is way too important a category for me to miss out on for an entire quarter. The measurement of these goals will be in percentages.[/learn_more]

Health

2011 as a touch year on my health and I can safely say that past year I was sick on most number of days I even have been in any given calendar year. I had some major issues the last year like “High Blood Pressure” and “Reactive Arthritis” amongst some other issues. It was clear – I am no longer 25 and I need to revisit my way of living. Hence, the goals are:

[box]

  1. Be healthy for least 180 days of the year – while this seems way low; I know that I am starting way down and for me to break even it will take a lot. I do not want to set a target that I miss by miles
  2. Reduce weight by 17 kilos
  3. Sleep cycle of 11pm to 7am – This one is going to be HUGE for me and if i can fix this; WOW!!!
  4. Walk/Jog frequently for a year – 300 miles in a year

[/box]

[learn_more caption=”Measurement Criteria”] All these goals will be accessed Weekly.[/learn_more]

Quality of Life

Ask my wife and she would go for entire day on what is wrong with me on this and she would be right in all aspects. I really do not know how to measure this one except the fact that Preeti can tell me if I improved or not – but I am aware certain habits that lead to this issue. So in this category, I am going to define goals to fix those habits and hope that if I am able to fix them, I will be able to improve my quality if life.

[box]

  1. No more than 1300 hours of TV/PS3 in the year – If 25 hours seems more to you, I should tell you that my current average in a week is around 75 hours
  2. Get things done on time – As Preeti says is – “tumse aalsi koi nahin hai” :). I know by living in US that I can do things, but for some reason when I am at home, I just keep postponing things to infinity. This is one thing that needs to be taken care off at all cost. My target is very aggressive on this one – 250 days in a year with no pending tasks for that day
  3. Read at least 20 books
  4. At least 150 blogs – personal + technical
  5. Dine out at least once a month – well I am just too lazy to go out
  6. Do a deed to make someone happy/special at least 180 days in the year

[/box]

[learn_more caption=”Measurement Criteria”] All these goals will be accessed Weekly.[/learn_more]

Wisdom

I initially though of knowledge, but then it seemed useless. I can acquire all the knowledge in the world but if I dont know how to apply it or provide any meaningful output for other to use then all the knowledge is useless. I have been blogging in the past, but I dont really how many people are reading about it and how they find that information useful. Also, my attempts to help people around me to make use of all the knowledge I have have been scarce in last year. Hence, the goals:

[box]

  1. Readership of my personal blog to 10K per in a year (current is at 6K)
  2. Readership of my technical blog to 25K (current of 3.5K in a quarter)
  3. 5 Appreciate comments on my personal blog
  4. 20 Appreciate comments on my technical blog
  5. 1 Person saying to me that I made a difference in their life

[/box]

[learn_more caption=”Measurement Criteria”] All these goals will be accessed Monthly – most of these have tracking mechanisms and hence I do not need to remember so frequently. I would be able to run reports and get data every month.[/learn_more]

Wish me luck so that I can achieve all of these goals.

 

  1. 5 Appreciate comments on my personal blog

Goals vs Resolution

Focus
Image by Michael Dales via Flickr

As I start thinking about what my resolutions are going to be for 2012, I thought if I really want to have resolutions. So, I started to think the basic difference between Goals and Resolutions and my take is:

“There are no ways to measure Resolutions”

I did not want to have a resolutions like:

  • Loose Weight – because if i lost 2 KGs I would have met my resolution but that may not be meaningful to me;
  • Improve Financial Stability – because unless I define in the context of my life what stability is, I dont know if I have achieved it or not

A lot of people say they miss out on resolutions, I feel the single reason why they miss out is because they do not have goals that can be measured and over a period of time they just don’t know where they are headed – even things like “stop smoking” even being measurable, is not defined in a manner that allows the person to achieve their resolutions.

So this year, I have decided to focus on specific areas of my life and figure out how I am going to access that I have achieved what I have thought about. Hence, this year I will have Goals instead of Resolutions.

 

Related Articles

 

Goodbye 2011

I recently read somewhere – “Nothing really ends when a year ends. But a lot can begin when a new year begins”. But, a beginning without an introspect would be simply be aimless. While this may be okay for some, for me 2012 has to be in perspective of what 2011 was – this is simply a way of trying to improve on things.

2011 for me can easily be categorized in 4 buckets:

  1. Agneepath
  2. Vanvaas (Exile)
  3. Dream
  4. Awakening

Read more here: http://blog.kapilvirenahuja.com/2012/01/02/goodbye-2011/