The Parasite // Time to Fight

I feel like shitting on someone today // I am that crapped out in my head. I sense a lot of negativity and that shit is pulling me in its Kapil_think_happydense fog which is making life tricky. I spent a lot of time catching up and a lot of pending stuff got done. I am kind of surprised that I have been able to work through all this mess in my head where in the past this has lead me to simply come to a stand still.

Now what remains is getting started with some new work done and I have several tasks lined up on my plate which are not on the front-burner today, but unless I get to those soon they will be. And, I need to get rid of the static charge in my head so that I can make progress.

 

A long time back I blogged about Expectations and Happiness.  I quote from my earlier blog

An expectation is a mental prediction of what will happen in the future when we don’t know for sure. If what does actually happen matches or exceeds our expectation of it we experience positive emotions such as satisfaction, joy, surprise, or gratification. If, on the other hand, what occurs is different from what we expected or is less than what we expected, we experience negative emotions such as disappointment, anger, or frustration.

 

I know exactly what is not working out and it’s the inability of folks around me not making it work out is what is bugging me.  I have not yet reached a point where action is warranted. I am still circumnavigating the mess that has been created due to some common sensical errors. As I speak to several folks (last of my discussions is planned for today), I am getting a feeling that “we” have given up on something that once was a passion we all shared together. I have been asking myself and several other people “are ‘we’ interested STILL” and I do hear people saying – “yes we are”; I hope we are.

The energies have been sucked out as nothing is working as it had been planned a year back. There are things that are happening which no one had thought about. There are entities which are getting injected into the process which should not have been, “we” are getting ejected from the process as if the body rejects an antibody.

I go back to my blog about Karma and I know it is “us” who will have to do something if we have to make this work. I cry out loud – “are others with me?”

I can’t let this this thought fester itself in my head like a parasite because it will keep eating my inside out.

Eating inside Out
The Day The Earth Stood Still // Eating inside Out

 

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2012: Week 6 in review

I am too exhausted to write the review, so I am going to write the highlights:

  • Work was easy, but picking up speed. Work is cutting edge, and every day when I learn more I get even more excited
  • Work week ended on a high note with things looking positive
  • Saturday was Aabhya’s 4th birthday and we had a lot of fun. First half spent with usual activities and in evening we celebrated her birthday at Mc Donalds, Punjabi Bagh and Aabhya loved it all the way
  • Sunday was resting and then in afternoon watched “Ek Tu Aur Ek Main”
  • India beat Australia in a ODI which was nice, but there was still some disappointment because Sachin was dropped
  • Did well on some Goals – especially on Sleeping on time and Getting things done. Reducing weight is not working out and I continue to eat more and more on the weekends. Financial goals are also not working out very well and I am still confused on one specific thing which might solve this

Good night; we will talk more about this next week.

2012 Week 4 in Review

I can summarize this week in a single word – Disaster.

Goals

I was able to keep a consistent pace on the blogging and the readership is on the rise for both Personal and Technical Blog. After 4 weeks, I noticed that there are 2 things that really can get the readership going:

  1. Write about articles relevant on that day/week
  2. Read other blogs and make relevant comments

On the health front, all went for a toss, I had training for 3 days in the week and one day off for republic day meant that Gym went was not an option and I was unable to get my discipline on eating habits. Book reading was put off a little as well and that was because it was the week of Australian Open 2012 and I spent a lot of time watching matches which obviously ruined any heads-up I have had on watching TV. I hope I will be able to bring some of these back on track in coming weeks.

Sports

It was Australian Open 2012 and India vs. Australia 4th test. While AO2012 was superb, Djokovic winning the Slam with some great matches in the end. I for the first time saw Rafa play 2 matches – against Federer and Djokovic and saw what a great player he is and only gained respect for this master athlete. A fellow blogger wrote about Rafa which reflects my feelings very well.

India was again disappointing. Virat Kohli did score a century which was some saving grace – the first century of the tour. Now, that the Test series is over, I am looking forward to the one day series and hope that this will be another story. I do not have any expectation from this series only hope that we will do better and live up to the expectations of a World Champion.

Personal

Well a train-wreck – dont wanna talk about this. I just hope that people understand that it takes time to turn a new leaf – it does not happen overnight. Baby steps need to be encouraged and not slammed.

2012: Week 1 in review

Unexpected is the only word I have to describe how this week went for me. I have been thinking, but then on Jan 2 is when I finally sat down and locked my Goals for 2012. And surprisingly, I have been done well against my goals – exceeding my expectations. As I did state in my goals, if I can drop watching TV, I would have a lot of time on my hands and yesterday and today simply proved how true this statement was. I was able to wrap up a 500 pager book by simply not watching TV. I now just need to find ways to utilize my time more productively – before I end up developing a habit of reading books that leave as just as lazy.

On career front, I am on the verge of writing articles for another online community. I received their invitation last night and after reviewing all that they have to offer, I just replied back gladly accepting their invitation. When I first started blogging in 2008 – I had two objectives:

  1. Give something back to the community – this was evident in a short while as people started to like my posts and added references to their articles

2. Get people to know me by virtue of something that I deliver

After 4 years of blogging, things are finally paying off. The second objective was much more important to me than the first one. And now, that I am already writing for DZone and now this new partnership – I feel a sense of proud that people who may have never met me are having an active dialogue with me through my work and they may be discussing it elsewhere.

In the sports arena, India lost their 2nd test match against Australia and it is their 6th straight loss abroad. A team that was ranked #1 just a few months back just and then they dropped to #3 after being whitewashed by England. They got back to #2 only because SA was not doing so well. Another whitewash is looking on the cards ans this will take India to most certainly #3 and may even push then down to #4 (Australia may be #3). Last year when India was riding the success of their World Cup victory, I wrote a few articles about Dhoni and how he had missed a cue. Suddenly, when I was reading the news today morning – Gavaskar, and other experts were saying the same thing. Australia is back to it resurgence and I have a feeling that very soon we are going to see them back to where they belong. Unless Dhoni does something different – he is simply going to wash out himself.

Preeti and Aabhya have been in Muzafarpur for this entire week; while I was supposed to fly out on Friday – some office work kept me back in Delhi. Last night when I went to sleep – I was missing Aabhya like anything. Today morning – Aparna also went back home and Misha is also gone. She reminds me of my days with Aabhya – but Aparna is too paranoid about so many things, that I do not spend too much time with Misha. But, my short visits to her room and whatever time I spend with her makes me happy and brings back all the memories of time I spent with Aabhya. Misha is a very quite child and will look so intently at you that sometimes I think that how can a child so small have such a good focus (maybe it is not, but it sure seems she is observing a lot).

 

 

Goodbye 2011

I recently read somewhere – “Nothing really ends when a year ends. But a lot can begin when a new year begins”. But, a beginning without an introspect would be simply be aimless. While this may be okay for some, for me 2012 has to be in perspective of what 2011 was – this is simply a way of trying to improve on things.

2011 for me can easily be categorized in 4 buckets:

  1. Agneepath
  2. Vanvaas (Exile)
  3. Dream
  4. Awakening

Agneepath

As the year started, I had just come back home after a 5 month stay in US away from my family. I had come back for a purpose i.e. Aabhya’s admission in school. And the year 2011 started like a challenge for both Preeti and I where we were working through various schools in almost all parts of Delhi. It was nothing less than an ordeal for us. However, it all went well and out hardwork was rewarded in February when Aabhya was admitted in Maxfort where she will complete her pre-nursery this year.

However, in February as we were done with the admissions the next test was my return back to US for completing the 1 year assignment. I was scheduled to be back in US in February itself until July and this time Preeti had made it clear that she will not visit because of the long journey. This time, I was not looking forward to going abroad, but still there were obligations to my job that made me think otherwise.  It was a true Dhrams-Sankat for me. And, at one time, I did something I would not expect myself to do it. Yet, on March 26, I flew away to wrap up what I started or should I say “clean up my own mess”.

Vanvaas

This is not what Ram did, but I still call is one because I was away from everything that I liked – especially my home and family. Considering that I was alone this visit brought a lot of different challenges than the previous one. This time, I knew the place and how to navigate my way around it – so my troubles were different especially – “How do I spend my time?” The work as I expected was almost non existent. Although, my bosses promised otherwise, but like any their DNA they failed to come through with what they said and it became a mountain out of a molehill for me to spend my time in US. However, this Exile allowed me to think what I need to do with my career and by the time the Exile was over, I knew my time with UHG was up.

This stay saw me do a lot of things – Tennis: Playing, Coached and Coaching; Road trip to Chicago – where the trip to House on the Rock was simply amazing. Finally, when I was going to come back that was an adventure in itself. Eventually, I was home on July 31.

Dream

When I came back, there was debrief of my project and then there was “no work” for me. My bosses kept me sitting idle for like 2 months; and it simply meant that what I was thinking during my “vanvaas” was just getting resolved. and then there came a 360-degree turn in my life. I went from doing nothing to learning PHP, and taking my framework to 90% completion. I was signed up by an online magazine to publich my technical articles which was a huge boost to what I was doing. Around August, I had started to look out for other job opportunities and I landed up a couple of offers, one of which was with Sapient Nitro. I promptly resigned; and ironically it all happened in the week when I was told “I am not technically sound to be an architect”; and then I was presented with an award for my technical contributions to the company by the CTO. But, I had decided and I was going to move on – and I did in October when I left the UHG and moved on to better things in life.

The Dream also included me started a brand new endeavor and try to do some consultation while I was in between jobs and it was all looking up very nice. The phase was a dream because then I woke up

Awakening

Just like a dream, it all started to crumble – there were issues one after another and I was unable to spend any time to my own learning or my framework. The consultancy that I had opened started to dwindle and soon I was left to make a decision. And, I did but that decision meant that it was time to wake up to the reality.  I went about to join Sapient and close the consultancy and to find out that after putting my sweat and my health on the line – it will all end up with friends not trusting me. Yet it happened – and it made me realize something important. Something I knew always, but never took the time to understand how important those things were. Today as I sum-up 2011 for myself, I know what needs to be done.

Overall, 2011 was a good year – it showed me that I can be strong and yet weak enough to know what I nee; I can dream and work hard to make it come true; I do put my family in front of me even if it makes me miserable; I am more practical than emotional – something that my family does not like about me. Goodbye 2011, lets hope your successor allows me to….

 Coming up next is going to be my resolve for 2012 and lets see how well I do that.