The Parasite // Time to Fight

I feel like shitting on someone today // I am that crapped out in my head. I sense a lot of negativity and that shit is pulling me in its Kapil_think_happydense fog which is making life tricky. I spent a lot of time catching up and a lot of pending stuff got done. I am kind of surprised that I have been able to work through all this mess in my head where in the past this has lead me to simply come to a stand still.

Now what remains is getting started with some new work done and I have several tasks lined up on my plate which are not on the front-burner today, but unless I get to those soon they will be. And, I need to get rid of the static charge in my head so that I can make progress.

 

A long time back I blogged about Expectations and Happiness.  I quote from my earlier blog

An expectation is a mental prediction of what will happen in the future when we don’t know for sure. If what does actually happen matches or exceeds our expectation of it we experience positive emotions such as satisfaction, joy, surprise, or gratification. If, on the other hand, what occurs is different from what we expected or is less than what we expected, we experience negative emotions such as disappointment, anger, or frustration.

 

I know exactly what is not working out and it’s the inability of folks around me not making it work out is what is bugging me.  I have not yet reached a point where action is warranted. I am still circumnavigating the mess that has been created due to some common sensical errors. As I speak to several folks (last of my discussions is planned for today), I am getting a feeling that “we” have given up on something that once was a passion we all shared together. I have been asking myself and several other people “are ‘we’ interested STILL” and I do hear people saying – “yes we are”; I hope we are.

The energies have been sucked out as nothing is working as it had been planned a year back. There are things that are happening which no one had thought about. There are entities which are getting injected into the process which should not have been, “we” are getting ejected from the process as if the body rejects an antibody.

I go back to my blog about Karma and I know it is “us” who will have to do something if we have to make this work. I cry out loud – “are others with me?”

I can’t let this this thought fester itself in my head like a parasite because it will keep eating my inside out.

Eating inside Out
The Day The Earth Stood Still // Eating inside Out

 

Advertisements

The Demon inside me

My family has been telling me for years now that I have the Anger of my father and fore-fathers. Yet, until recently I never thought of doing something about it. I did not see it a as something that needs to be fixed – I just had it and it was a trait of my personality. Until, recently when a thought stuck me and I realized that this needs to be fixed as it is not keeping me happy.

In the years 2008-2011, I had been getting more and more patient – being able focus on things that really mattered. However, my actions brought a not so welcome change  – I have been getting quieter more and more. To the extent that my wife asked me recently – “How many days can you stay in a room all alone?”. As per the law of the universe “everything is made in pairs”; this downside came with an upside i.e. I became a great listener. When I did not have to speak I was listening and hearing. And when needed I had all the context that needed.

 

The downside has higher consequences than the benefits the upside brought. And also, I figured out there has to be away for me to get rid if the downside while I still reap the benefits of the trait I picked up all this while.

 

I have to narrate an analogy of a person and his belongings and how a person would go about protecting their belongings. the analogy is simple enough and it is about a person and his house. The house can be categorized into the following grouping:

BELONGINGS

These are things that matter a person. I will speak about these things in terms of where and how a person would place their belongings and not what those are.

1. Boundary Wall: It is something that is the most exterior part of the house. Something that anyone who walks by can see. How the boundary wall looks gives the stranger some insight into who lives in the house to it is important to the person living in the house.

2. Garden: It is place inside the house where the person would sit and relax. But, it is yet a public place where people can see him/her and his/her friends, family and anything he wishes to put out there. Once again like the boundary wall, it reflects something about the person living the house but is more sacred. Not everyone can see it, and the person would take care to present it to the people who would be invited in.

3. Sitting Area: This place is well inside the house hidden from prying eyes and accessible visible to any external public. Only those who are invited get to experience it. And it is this nature of the place that makes it more critical for him to take care. It is more personal.

4. Bed Room: I thought very carefully and then decided on this room, because this is private. A room where not everyone can enter. Only a selected few are allowed in this room. This is one room that he would find very sacred to himself.  This is private.

5. Locker/Safe: As it suggests, a place that where he would keep his deepest secrets not wanting anyone to venture into it. Something that is very secure and also a place that only he would know of in the house. This is sacred.

ACTORS

These are people with whom a person interacts in their lifetime.

1. Strangers: Someone we don’t know, we see so many of them everyday

2. Acquaintances: Could be anyone – our colleagues, people we deal with for work. Someone we are not close but we know just them enough

3. Friends: Need I say more?

4. Family: Need I say more?

5. ME: This is only a reflection of myself. ME represents thoughts, feelings, emotions a person would have.

Now, we need to think of the possibility that the Actors, will interact with person through his/her belonging. A person would be okay with some level of interaction between the two and anything else would simply be a violation of his/her space and it that violation that a person needs to stop.

A person would have a dog in their house to stop this violation and unleash the dog on people who would venture beyond their allowed areas.

My Dog is my Demon and than demon comes out in the shape of the Anger.

My Demon has been trained like any other dog over a period of time to behave in certain ways and that pattern is depicted below.

SNAGHTML99737d

I am sure you would be able to draw a similar correlation to your belongings, actors and demon as well, but essentially the point is the more we are to ourselves we are shielding things from people around us. If we keep everything locked up, our demon will have no choice to but to attack the ones we love – Family and Friends.

And, when our loved ones try to get into the next room, the demon at times just lashes at them to keep them out and over a period of time they know the door for them is closed.

I know now where I live my life; in which rooms do I have my emotions sitting. The solution are simple – either I retrain my demon or I move my emotions to a different room.

I don’t know which is easier, but I am sure one those can be done.

A Plan that I do not have

I have spent a lot of time pondering “what do I want“, “am I on the right path” and “what is the best thing for me to do“. And, it is when I am asking myself all these questions that I find myself so “unhappy“. I have made many plans with my life, but they all last for a short while because eventually in the end, I find myself loosing interest in the activity – it can be sports, trying a new kind of work style and even television and gaming. It is just that I have not found that one thing that can keep me content with what I got.

And, still I dont know what will?

There are some days, when I dont seem to like anything and I am simply quiet – not speaking and simply looking at the TV aimlessly. And the very next morning, I am back to myself – trying to take a crack at the first person I see. And between these mood swings there is not even a single event. It simply changes over time; and a short period of time as well. However, one thing is common when all that happens is that I do not have enough on my mind; actually my mind is idle of any kind of work for last couple of days and then this happens.  Last week on Friday, I realized through a discussion with Preeti a complex relationship between “What” and “Why”.

Every Why happens before a What.

I believe that I always knew about it, but somehow I was allowing myself to digress too much on the Whys after that What; especially when I had no control over the “what”. In all the cases, when I have allowed myself to tumble down the mood drain, it has always (or mostly) to do with the fact I was troubled with the factors that I can not influence and control.

I know now that I need a plan that keeps me on track to a better me. And this time, I am going to make one

No end is Good

After working with a friend of mine (who I now choose to refer as an acquaintance) just came back and proved that my instincts right. Anil and I had been engaged in a business for almost 4 months now and he was introduced by a common friend. My initial take on Anil was that we should not include him, but I went ahead not hearing to my instincts. The business came to an end in November 2011, due to another reason. Anil, Babul and I met on Nov 30 to discuss all financial data and close the business. That day we discussed everything and came to 3 decisions:

  1. All revenue till that day will be split equally between the three of us;
  2. There are two projects, which we have to refund money and if that happens, the revenue for those two which have been distributed will be refunded back and;
  3. Anil will continue to support me in the business if i choose to continue

2 days later, we realized that one other project should have not been included because no work has been done and the amount agreed upon in decision#1 was reduced.

After 2 weeks it was evident that the business can not survive and we will stop all existing projects. And, one of the projects as discussed in #2 had to be refunded in full.

Today, Anil drops an email asking me to provide him with:

  • A detailed transaction of our accounts because he received lesser amount that in the email
    • He did not read and forgot the entry where we decided to reduce one other project. That was in the email I sent to them
  • Then he asked if I had added to account the work we did for Pipeline s/w
    • I had to remind him on email that all was discussed openly with all three of in that room, and accounts were settled till them
  • Finally, he said that any profit and loss after 30/11 is mine
    • To which I simply accepted the loss for that project which we had to refund

While we had this email conversation, I was so angry at the fact that he did not trust me with money. Nothing wrong for someone to ask for accounts, but he was questioning my honesty when we had cleared all accounts mutually in front of each other. After 4 months of working I handled the company affairs more that he ever did. And, then after 11/30, he promised to be around which led my decision to try and salvage the situation and then he walked out on me (being self-centered). And, even then when we discussed that very day about those 2 projects if refunded will be born by all three of us, he refused.

It has been a week and I have not spoken to either of them, I hope for the good that it is over sooner than later when it could have been a lot more destructive.

 

Support for Anna?

Anna Hazare - Delhi
Image by vm2827 via Flickr

India against Corruption started a few months back when a Anna Hazare come up with a Lok Janpal Bill to fight against Corruption. However, started to heat up a fortnight back when Anna went on fasting as protest against the government. The whole Country is behind him and why not he is doing the right thing – trying to eradicate corruption from India. In just two weeks there are several forums that have come up to support this movement. A few have been linked below. I am sure there would be a twitter because I can see applications for mobiles too.

All the people I meet and speak with about this, or even those whose opinion I can hear are in full support of Anna. However, for some reason I am not – and it is because of his methods to fight corruption.

I feel that there could have been ways to fix this problem. Going on a fast and asking public to come support you in this fashion where a smallest of mis-understanding can send India into riots. More so there are so many chances that people will use this situation for their advantage and hurt others. If you have seen the movie Bas Itna Sa Khwaab Hai, you would know what I am talking about. Team Anna says this is democracy and we have the right to protest. They blamed Government for arrest of Anna arrest which was to avoid such a situation. However, like always when we are so into a motion we forget what are the downsides of it. We just think on our circumstances and forget there are so many other people involved who will not think your way and their way may harm someone.There is no movement worth supporting if it has potential to hurt people.

So, the question remains if this is not the right way, then what is? I am sure everyone would have watched Nayak, that is my answer to fighting corruption. Anna has the support, why can they not setup their party and fight elections; get elected by the people. Once the people have elected them, they should fix India. And being in power, they can fix so many other things – so why just corruption. Today, when Team Anna is asking Government to accept the Jan Lokpal Bill, they are essentially asking to make laws – that is not how you run a country in a democracy.

To top it all there are controversies around the methods of fast and fast itself. I do not know how true these are, but at the top there is a level of politics that we just can not understand. We are common man and we see things in a very common way. I wish Team Anna can fix India but I pray in the process they do not hurt India.