Death and Faith

It has been a while since I have thought about this topic. For some reason that I am not aware of, I have been hesitant to write about this or discuss this with anyone else. I vaguely brought this up with Preeti early 2011 when I was about to travel to USA in March. However, I did discuss this with Samita Thakur on length. I just was unable to discuss this with Preeti because I knew she would be completely psyched about it and just didn’t want her to get upset.

For a decade (2000-2010) I have maintained the place that “I am not afraid of death”. I believed that everyone has to die one day and once I die it is over for me. Death will not affect me because I am gone. I have always wanted a swift death; didn’t want to suffer. I don’t know when, but my thinking changed and I realized it when I started to travel so often to Hyderabad for office assignments. This was in the year 2010 itself (January to March). And, then later that year I had to travel to USA for office work. I had 2 trips planned in that duration and flying just made me so stressed out. I was paranoid about flying and the second time (March 2011), I was just over the top. It was so much so that my blood pressure was up to 130/100. It was that time when I discussed it with Preeti and Samita.

Of course, they both did mention the same thing that I had believed for almost a decade – why do you care? you can’t control it; if it happens it happens. If something bad has to happen it can happen anytime anywhere. I knew all that, yet air-travel has just been so stressful. Around time of travel, I would find reason in everything about why it happened this time and why not last time. A few examples:

  • Aparna’s mother-in-law asked to come to meet me especially in March just before travel and I was thinking – “why now? why not last time?”. Preeti told me she wanted to last time too and I was relieved;
  • I didn’t want to pick up a flight and just wanted to be assigned a flight to travel.

And there were more. It was a huge thing – I was challenging every event in March just before travel. Yet, I did travel and did arrive in Plymouth safely and now I am sitting today writing this on the eve of my travel. This time the travel plans have changed unplanned and once more I am asking myself the same question.

However, some part of me has always asked me this question – “Why would God bother to kill me in such an unusual way?” I don’t travel much, so why make all this trip on work assignment just to kill me in an air accident or put me through a misery. He can do this when, where and how He wishes it. I can’t explain myself why would he do this now; I have a daughter to take care of, a wife who thinks of me as her life and two parents who would be devastated if anything would happen to me (I just can’t imagine what would happen to them).

To top it all, I feel so sad just thinking about this. As I write this post, I am trembling from inside and I have a feeling that I have never had before – I can’t describe it. The saddest part is my realization that I am not trusting God and His decisions. Where I have faith in Him, I still think about this and in a way challenge His actions. He has done so many good things for me, and if He has decided to do this to me then who am I to question His deeds. I never questioned when good things happened; why about this. This is something out of my control and if it has to happen it will happen. I just can’t do anything about it.

I just need to find peace around this topic – if I continue to think about this that I am letting go of my Faith in Him; my faith in Him that he will take care of me; my Faith in Him to take care of my family. For a very long time, when I pray, I asked for one thing and one thing only – “Please do what is best for me”. When I start to think of all this, I let go of my faith in Him and his decisions around me.

<side-thought>Next few lines should help me understand and put this topic to rest for ever</side-thought>.

I have started to believe in Karma more strongly in recent times and believe that what we get is a result of our actions. I believe that God keeps a score for us – good deeds give us points and bad deeds take away points. What happens with us is a result of what our score is. I believe that Death comes when we have fulfilled our purpose in this life. I don’t know the purpose of my life, but whatever I do is in that direction – I just don’t know it. I don’t want to digress from topic, so I am going to end it by accepting my Faith over my fear.

I want to carry on with my life believing that God is going keep a watch over me as He has done in the past and He is going to do the same for my family too. I will just go about doing my stuff and try to do the right thing. I will try to choose my purpose and make people around me happy. Rest I will leave to God. He has brought us to existence and He will do what is best for us. Death is just another way of tempting me to let go of my Faith, but I will not. I will not stop doing what I am should do (Karma), and I will do it using my best judgement. God will judge me for my actions.

I have had doubts if this I should share this thought and what is the right way to share these thoughts with my parents, siblings, wife and children. So, after thinking for a long time, I am going to publish this post, because this is the easiest way for them to know what I believe in and what I have gone through for last 2 years. This is the best way for me to pass on my Faith to them especially in times when God is testing us. I just want everyone to know that I don’t think of death all the time, and I want to be around to fulfill my purpose of a son, a brother, a husband and a father. But, based upon my actions God will decide when I have served my purpose. And to let you know, as I end this post, I feel much lighter that I was a while ago. I know now, that I need to fix a few things in my life and do it while I have the time.

It happens for a reason and that too a good one

Last month has been a different one for me. Three things happened for me and all those were that are completely against my first nature.:

  1. I took a road-trip to Wisconsin, Chicago and Indiana all by myself. For someone who never goes alone anywhere it was a big deal. People close to me would know that I don’t like to travel much let alone go some place all by myself. This was a trip that happened all of a sudden and in the end it was a one to remember. When I started the trip I did not realize that I would be seeing one of the most amazing things I have ever heard of or seen – The House on the Rock. As the trip ended, I did realize that it was for the good;
  2. A couple of weeks after that, I went on another road-trip to Mt. Rushmore and neighboring areas. This trip I guess was another one out of impulse. I have not yet written about it, but in this trip I did drive though the most beautiful country side ever. I never thought I would do it and thought that my best would be the drive from house on the rock to Plymouth a few weeks earlier. But, this was even better (I will write about this soon);
  3. Another week gone by and I had yet another string of events on the day of travel back to India.

This is not the first time that things have happened around me that I can not explain. While I have a strong belief in “the choices we make are the basis of what happens with us”; yet there are several times where I just can’t explain why it happened. Like today, when I had to cancel my plans, I lost my passport only to find it 30 minutes later. I never wanted any of that to happen yet it all that happened.

I am still trying to understand the events and decipher the reasons behind all of it. I can not  decipher any of that until next few days till the time I reach home safely and I am with my family or till the time I get my bags. The question arises at the point when all of it has happened as it should have happened – “Why did it all happened in a different way if the result was the same?”. Unless, something changes during next 36-40 hours.

I just spent last 5 minutes thinking what to write next and I came up blank – I just don’t know how to think on this. I just am blank on this. I just feel – that things happen for a reason and that too a good one. Few more hours to find the reason behind all this and realize what was good in that.

Friendship

Friends
Image by matley0 via Flickr

How we feel is something that we cant control – or at least not at the very beginning. We may be able to over a period of time to control our emotions, but when something happens at that point how you feel tells you who you are what the other person means to you. Friendship is one such thing.

Over my life I have heard many people say “she is my best friend” or “he is my bestest friend” or “we have been good friends for an entire lifetime”. I have always just said “he/she is my friend”, i was never able to categorize. For me either you are a friend or a classmate/colleague.

Wikipedia defines Friendship with the characteristics like wanting the best for the other, sympathy and empathy, honesty, mutual understanding, trust and positive reciprocity.

I have known many people especially through school, college and various jobs but only a few people outside of my family who have moved into the second decade – Rajat, Shallja, Deepika, Samita, Pankaj and Prashanth. None of them are from my school or college. Couple of them are from NIIT and rest from my first jobs. And, then there are a few other who have come close to either getting moved over or are still in the first decade but are in the zone – Naina, Sitija, Anubhav, Babul, Bhawana, Raminder, Praveen, Nikhil, and Sachin.

Over a period of time, we have all moved on with our life and we have got busy and have spoken less over the time. However, even now when I see their name on the screen of phone I feel delighted, and I look forward to speaking to and call them when I can.

Sorry guys for the context, and no matter how much this seems irrelevant, it is important for me to get to my primary thoughts.

The friends who have moved to the 2nd decade are the ones, for who I feel happy or sad based on what I hear. I no longer expect them to call me as the first person when something big happens in their life. I am happy that they remember me and in no particular order. I believe that if they have been unable to tell me about something, they had a reason, and when we meet I just congratulate them or share my sympathies and not worry about why was I not told about it. I just do not worry about where I am in their priorities, because I know I am a part of their life and when if I am not needed today it is because my friend is struggling with a part of life where they need me to around for them to reach out. I no longer offer my support, I just offer my companionship.

 

We weren’t friends overnight, but it took time; it was built. It took commitment to make it work. The journey to this stage of our Friendship is what held the ingredients for a successful friendship. It started off with a mutual association and a mutual liking for each other’s company. It built on top of trust and honesty in all our dealings especially when at work. We made sure that we were fair to each other and kept our personal lives independent of the professional ones. It was built on understanding, that we were a part of their lives but ones priorities are always changing. It was built on faith that when we need them they will be around and if they can not be, they will tell us why.

 

So, now when I hear about a “friend”, and my first emotion is not to be happy for them, I know it is not friendship. I just know – I don’t understand why I was not remembered; how come I am not remembered every time. I know it is time to let go. I know we are not friends any more, we are just “ex-colleagues”.

 

Faith isn’t an Argument

Faith Happens
Image via Wikipedia

Theism is based on Faith and by its simple definition “Faith” is belief in something that can not been seen or proven. So, when people ask me to prove to them Who is God and Where is your God or why did God do something – I do not know how to answer. I just know it in my heart that He is out there somewhere watching me and providing me with opportunities to do good things. He is out there paving my path with temptations but trusts me to do the right thing. He is out there trying to understand me and forgive me for my sins and take care of me

I just know.

God’s role in Karma

Wen god pushes u to the edge of difficulty,trust him fully.Coz only 2 things can happen Either he’l catch u when u fall or he will teach u how 2 fly

This was posted by my sister-in-law on facebook and it led me to re-think a very old belief that I have had.

We can trust in God only if we have Faith; and if we have Faith, trust will come naturally.

I am confused because  if you know nothing can go wrong then that means we dont have a role to play. The only choice we got is to jump. I believe that God gives us choices – Jump or not. One will have a bad consequence like – We dont jump we dont learn to fly or we jump and we get hurt. The choice is ours and we dont know what leads to what makes is more difficult.

I have believed for a very long time, that everything that happens, happens for a reason and that reason is always good. God does takes care of us. I dont want to let go of my belief, but I have started to believe in Karma a lot more and how it shapes our life. And, currently I am finding it difficult to put these two together.

The Flight of the Phoenix

I heard this piece in the movie “The Fight of the Phoenix” and it stuck immediately.

Let me tell you a story. A rabbi and a priest attend a boxing match. They watch as the boxers come into the ring. The rabbi sees one of the boxers cross himself.

So the rabbi turns to the priest and asks, “What does that mean?”

The priest says, “Not a damn thing if the man can’t fight.”

Small Steps

Small steps are big steps. Little decisions can, over time, cause stunningly wonderful results. Tiny changes lead to real and sustained transformation. It’s all about evolution rather than revolution.

No decision is unimportant. Every action leads to a reaction. Each move we make creates a consequence and ripples across our destiny. Getting up earlier when you feel like sleeping is the giant leap that begins a new habit called early rising. Coming up with a better way to think/feel/behave at work is the giant leap that creates a new inner pathway called excellence and mastery. Treating people with more respect/kindness and understanding is the giant leap that will soon install a routine called humanity. That little first step sends a clear signal to life that you want to change and have the courage to make the first move.

The first move is always the hardest. Everything’s easier after that. Step by step, changing and elevating your game gets easier. You become more confident. The new habits and internal pathways become more familiar. And you-almost invisibly-become greater. And more brilliant. And more of the person you were born to be. Told you it’s exciting.