For One Self

Long time back I wrote about “life is all about sacrifices” and when I try I don’t even remember in what context did I make that post. Nevertheless it’s so true. It’s about what you chose.

Since then almost 5 years have passed and with time I have gained perspective around life. I believe that these 5 years have changed in ways that I can’t go back to who I was earlier. I do not know if that is for good or not but it has happened. Along the way somewhere I started to realize that this life or at least the one I have lived up till now has been about trying to make people happy. It all started when I was a kid and that was the conditioning which was given to me and my sister too. From the smallest of the things to the big ones it was always about “what will people think” so when relatives were visiting we had to be home arrested, when it was about studies it was about what my parents wanted me to do and countless things that I do not even remember now.

Somewhere down the line I started to revolt and my transformation started and it took me about 10 years to finish that transformation and realize that either I can live in the limbo and just do stuff that people around me want me to do or I can do something else. It was not a choice that I made at-least not consciously. For better or worse I am no longer the person I used to be. I have those times in a day when I am just plain happy because I just do things what I like to do and now what people want me to do. Simply put – I just do stuff.

During this transformation what did stuck with me was the sense of responsibilities towards someone but it was a weird sense. I realize that what I do hurts people and it hurts all the time and there is a sense of guilt, but that sense does not lingers for long. I get over it and at time I get over it dangerously fast. I hope that does not makes me a bad person but I am sure that surely does not makes me a liked person as well. Part of this transformation has morphed a world around me which only I understand. No matter how much I try no one can understand this world at least not until they are willing to understand the process I went through in last 30 years to get where I am now.

I have several people around me who expect me to do things that they want me to do; that they prefer. It’s build of an implicit set of expectations that comes with a relationship be it a son, sibling, husband, father, friend, boss, colleague etc. But, little those people realize that I am also an individual and I have my own needs. Little those people realize that I have gone through a set of life for 30 years or so and there are several million (if not billion) things that have happened which have made me a person who I am.

Like any thing or person there are good and bad things. I look at people around me (and i mean everyone) and I watch for the great, good, bad and ugly and I prefer for large part to ignore the bad and the ugly and see the good/great barring a few people in my life who I resent (long story for another day). I have stopped expecting things from people ~ actually the only expectations I have from people around me is to stop expecting stuff from me. I am happy with the way they are because thats what they want to be. Who am I to tell someone around me “what they should do” or “how they should behave” or “anything for that matter”. They are mature adults and they know what they are doing. They of course want to do things that make them happy and I mean small day to day things be it be on phone, go to office, spend time reading facebook or posting on facebook or whatever. I know I am happy just seeing them around me. I care and hence I am around. I do not go to a friends hours every night/evening – i come back home because I care about the people at home and I find happiness to be around the, “just around does for me”. I work in an office where I like the people around me. I may not like their every action but I like to go back and talk to them and speak with them and work with them.

Why can not people return to me the same courtesy/expectation/kindness? Why is it so difficult for them to realize that I like to do things my way ~ whatever those things may be? how hard is it?

now unless someone expects to do things with me thats a different story all together because then you have a clash of 2 universes and one will always loose because those are 2 opposite ends. It’s like a cricket match – one team has to come out losing. Now you do not play for “win some, lose some”. Everyone plays to win all but there are bad days. I have my good and my bad days but what happens on those bad days is because of choices I make. Now if my decisions on a day makes someone sad because they did not get what they wanted – does that makes me a bad person? Or should I simply just give in all the time and sacrifice?

You can either live loved and die with about 400 people besides you but knowing you did not do stuff for yourself or you can live for yourself and maybe die alone and hated.I am fast moving towards the later and I do not know yet if that is a good place to be. But, I know end of the day these are my choices and I wont have anyone else to blame when I am on the death bed. I will at least be saying to myself I lived my life on my terms rather than cursing 100s of people of making my life something I do not want it to be.

Does that makes me a bad person?

Perseverance

Last month, I went back to using an Android (Sony Xperia Z) from using an iPhone 5 (reasons apart). As I moved through the transition I realized while Android had a lot of features, the feel of an Apple was missing. At this point, I was forced to using my phone. But, this “forced behavior” essentially told me to ask myself a more fundamental question – “How was using my devices?” I had an iPad mini that I had purchased for “something”, and then I had an iPod that I used for listening to songs and during workout and then here I had this phone as well.

In the past, I was doing pretty much everything on my iPhone – check emails, read blogs, play games, etc. Now, given that I didnt like my phone too much, I decided this was time to get my iPad into the mix and I decided that I will not configure emails on my Android phone (BTW – this allowed me to use some of advanced features of my phone). I ended up installing emails 4 times and every time I installed it, i went back to removing it in matter of minutes. I had to force myself // I had to push myself to try the change.

And now here I am 3 weeks out when I have successfully got accustomed to not using emails on my phone // there is a specific usage I have for my phone and then iPad is utilized a lot more // my iPod is not used for training purposes (yeah i started to run again). Most importantly, i am not hooked on to my office all the time like i was on my cell phone. I pick up my iPad soemtimes when I want to and I am sort of happy to put the worries of office in my bag and allow someone to call me if there is a fire.

Today, I am changing yet another habbit // when I am trying to do is rather annoying but I am going to stay with it and see if I can change yet 1 more thing in my life.

 

Baby steps…

Foot steps in the sand
Foot steps in the sand (Photo credit: Abhijith B.Rao)

This time I got to do something about it

Yesterday someone escalated to my bosses why I did take a proactive measure to find something that could be wrong in one of my applications. The email communication ended when the person replied as follows:

English: A metaphorical visualization of the w...
English: A metaphorical visualization of the word Anger. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

[quote align=”center” color=”#999999″]I agree this is ridiculous seeing a Sr. Arc on the project look for escape route and not owning things.[/quote]

 

The email didn’t end here (someday I may decide to make it public) and it went on to attacking me personally and not on the elements around which the matter existed. For the most part of yesterday I was angry and was itching to reply back, but I decided not to. Something told me that if the person wasn’t able to reason with the elements till now, nothing that I would say will help the person understand the reason.

 

Today morning when I was thinking as to why was I angry and disturbed because of what someone would call me – was it because it was a public assault on my personality, was it because I didnt take the ownership, was it because I wrote something that demanded this kind of a personal attack.

 

I am not going to write back and fall to the level the other person has stopped to – it is not my nature. I was harsh in my messaging but nothing that I argued was outside the elements / facts on the table. What was pissing me off the whole time – this was a simple task and we weren’t able to get it done because we didn’t have the people for the job and then also that this finally became my problem of ownership because I did wanted to do something. An idea struck me not considering the timing of our daily calls when I could have discussed this with a larger group. I chose to send an email where the right people were involved – yet this blew up and it was my accountability or why I didn’t think of this idea per the schedule of our daily calls.

 

Upon much pondering, it boils down to one point – what am I going to do about it. I have been that hard headed SOB who would keep going at it all the time with endless emails and communications. I have trying being the best kind – “lets play it politically correct” and keep taking the crap-shoot that keeps getting thrown at me. I am done spending countless days and night thinking that this is not the situation I am in. I realize I get the crap that I allow people to send at me. I am better at this. I am not a rock-star, but I am not one who doesn’t takes ownership of my decisions. I haven’t passed on accountability till date and I got to stop making others accountable for my miserable self.

Retaliating back is not the answer. neither responses like “Go and work this out” are going to do this time. This is not my problem – and I need to let people know they got to fix their problem else they have a much bigger one on their hand. I let people make from tough choices.

So what am I going to do? I am going to sit this one out for a couple of weeks and work on alienating my anger from the real issue on hand. Then I am going to go about solving this problem like I go about solving any other. Problem you should be worried, because when I put my mind to solving something, always that problem goes away.

 

P.S.: If you haven’t already seen this episode is a must have that tells the exasperation I have been going through all this time.

Its here; finally

A few days back I wrote about my new car and about my feelings around the wait around it? Well finally it is here.

 

Car VW Vento

 

 

 

It has been 3 days since I have been driving this and I am already in a love-hate relationship with this car. I love the car for the reasons I bought this for and it has not disappointed me yet like

Ride Quality It is so good to ride it – the bumps are not noticeable (relatively) and when I go over 120kmph I don’t feel a thing and it is so very stable. Turns on high speeds like 80kmph are so sure shot that I dont have to think about hitting brakes.

Fuel Efficiency It is worth every penny. I got a tank full for Rs 2500 and Vento is telling me it will run almost 750 KMs that is almost double what my Verna did. Even if it does 700 or 650, that a savings on fuel cost by almost 25-50% which is worth the money spent on diesel.

 

Elegance While this is not the best looking car in its segment and when I say best looking I compare it with Verna’s dashing looks. But the car has its own elegance and i did wait for the color i.e. Paper Gray and I finally managed to get one which is so good that I am loving the same.

 

The smaller things The tiny features like one touch windows up and down for all 4, the pinch, the voice quality on the stereo, the arm rest which is so big to add to comfort, the seat adjustment that can send you deep in the car, and several other things that I love

 

Now when this is the case, there are things that I am hating until I adjust to it like

The seating comfort or not so much. I have still not adjusted to the bucket seats and it seems that their decision to make the buckets so much deep is pushing my kind of bulky frame out of the seat. I still am trying to get the right seating position between how tall/deep, how back/front loaded, how much the steering needs to be adjusted. I have just not been able to get to it just yet compared to verna where i saw naturally

 

The Diesel The engine has a kick in it, but it also has a vibration to it. The clutch vibrates as well however little it is but it does pushes me to an edge today. I know i will get over it one day but it is a buiance today

 

But, i know overall this is a good investment for next several years. and I am going to love it overall.

 

The Right Time For Tendulkar’s Retirement « Ducking Beamers: A Cricket Blog

A friend blogged about “Sachin’s retirement” a topic that has recently been very close to my heart (and many others I safely presume). What the author said is so true…

Continue reading The Right Time For Tendulkar’s Retirement « Ducking Beamers: A Cricket Blog

Face your decisions

A decision is the selection between possible actions. A choice is the selection between two or more objects.

This is how Wikipedia puts it, yet we often say “You have a Choice” when making decisions. I am not going to talk the semantics of English Language, but touch upon a topic I face daily – at times more trivial and others significant.

If I ask myself, “How many times a day do I have to make decisions”, I dont have a count. But, if I want to ask myself “How many days do I take to make a decision?” I would have an answer. People call me “hard headed” when it comes to my job, which some interpret as a quality while some find this quality makes me inflexible and is a hindrance. While I try to keep a balance, I do not take very long to make decisions on job. When it comes to personal life, I see to take days to decide. Seems odd, when I think these are not really critical – many of these that take so long revolve around – “convenience/luxury” vs. future. Last year I blogged about this topic briefly (it shows that I spend too much time thinking). Today, yet again, I am asking myself a similar question – “convenience today” or “safety tomorrow”. I dont know yet what to do – sometime you just need someone to make the decisions for you.

Could life me simpler….?

Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia « Bizarre Prodigy

I like the idea of stopping online piracy and also to protect IP; but if that comes at a cost of stopping all free information I would be dammed.I did read what the acts say – SOPA and my simple and limited understanding I see that the objective is to stop piracy and ban sites that deal in such content. But, my worry is that a measure so strong will only give such powers that they will virtually control what goes online.

With great powers comes great responsibility

But, do Authorities follow this anymore?

via Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia « Bizarre Prodigy.