The Perfect Blog Post

Recently, i told someone that i stopped blogging because I need time to frame my thoughts and when i sit to write down it takes me hours to compile a thought i a manner that it would make sense and i am happy with it. what was happening that in the process of getting the “perfect post”, I would not get anything up there.

once again, i find myself at a time where my head is crowded with several things and i can not really make up my mind. And i need someone to bounce of my ideas to be able to get my head sorted out. Of course while I can (will) speak to my wife, I need a way to go back and view the structure of how i am thinking. This space has been a good way for me to write down what I am thinking and it has always helped, but like always I am charred with this being global and vary about how this may impact when people read about it. So of course while I construct my thinking, I find the need to be politically correct and this is becoming a more of a burden than anything.

I want to take a leap of faith and just go with the flow and see what happens.

https://uberchord.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/Uberchord-Incorporated-Leap-Of-Faith.jpg
What if…?
Advertisements

For One Self

Long time back I wrote about “life is all about sacrifices” and when I try I don’t even remember in what context did I make that post. Nevertheless it’s so true. It’s about what you chose.

Since then almost 5 years have passed and with time I have gained perspective around life. I believe that these 5 years have changed in ways that I can’t go back to who I was earlier. I do not know if that is for good or not but it has happened. Along the way somewhere I started to realize that this life or at least the one I have lived up till now has been about trying to make people happy. It all started when I was a kid and that was the conditioning which was given to me and my sister too. From the smallest of the things to the big ones it was always about “what will people think” so when relatives were visiting we had to be home arrested, when it was about studies it was about what my parents wanted me to do and countless things that I do not even remember now.

Somewhere down the line I started to revolt and my transformation started and it took me about 10 years to finish that transformation and realize that either I can live in the limbo and just do stuff that people around me want me to do or I can do something else. It was not a choice that I made at-least not consciously. For better or worse I am no longer the person I used to be. I have those times in a day when I am just plain happy because I just do things what I like to do and now what people want me to do. Simply put – I just do stuff.

During this transformation what did stuck with me was the sense of responsibilities towards someone but it was a weird sense. I realize that what I do hurts people and it hurts all the time and there is a sense of guilt, but that sense does not lingers for long. I get over it and at time I get over it dangerously fast. I hope that does not makes me a bad person but I am sure that surely does not makes me a liked person as well. Part of this transformation has morphed a world around me which only I understand. No matter how much I try no one can understand this world at least not until they are willing to understand the process I went through in last 30 years to get where I am now.

I have several people around me who expect me to do things that they want me to do; that they prefer. It’s build of an implicit set of expectations that comes with a relationship be it a son, sibling, husband, father, friend, boss, colleague etc. But, little those people realize that I am also an individual and I have my own needs. Little those people realize that I have gone through a set of life for 30 years or so and there are several million (if not billion) things that have happened which have made me a person who I am.

Like any thing or person there are good and bad things. I look at people around me (and i mean everyone) and I watch for the great, good, bad and ugly and I prefer for large part to ignore the bad and the ugly and see the good/great barring a few people in my life who I resent (long story for another day). I have stopped expecting things from people ~ actually the only expectations I have from people around me is to stop expecting stuff from me. I am happy with the way they are because thats what they want to be. Who am I to tell someone around me “what they should do” or “how they should behave” or “anything for that matter”. They are mature adults and they know what they are doing. They of course want to do things that make them happy and I mean small day to day things be it be on phone, go to office, spend time reading facebook or posting on facebook or whatever. I know I am happy just seeing them around me. I care and hence I am around. I do not go to a friends hours every night/evening – i come back home because I care about the people at home and I find happiness to be around the, “just around does for me”. I work in an office where I like the people around me. I may not like their every action but I like to go back and talk to them and speak with them and work with them.

Why can not people return to me the same courtesy/expectation/kindness? Why is it so difficult for them to realize that I like to do things my way ~ whatever those things may be? how hard is it?

now unless someone expects to do things with me thats a different story all together because then you have a clash of 2 universes and one will always loose because those are 2 opposite ends. It’s like a cricket match – one team has to come out losing. Now you do not play for “win some, lose some”. Everyone plays to win all but there are bad days. I have my good and my bad days but what happens on those bad days is because of choices I make. Now if my decisions on a day makes someone sad because they did not get what they wanted – does that makes me a bad person? Or should I simply just give in all the time and sacrifice?

You can either live loved and die with about 400 people besides you but knowing you did not do stuff for yourself or you can live for yourself and maybe die alone and hated.I am fast moving towards the later and I do not know yet if that is a good place to be. But, I know end of the day these are my choices and I wont have anyone else to blame when I am on the death bed. I will at least be saying to myself I lived my life on my terms rather than cursing 100s of people of making my life something I do not want it to be.

Does that makes me a bad person?

Live as if there is no tomorrow – or maybe not

People say, “You will get hit by a bus and you wont know what hit you. Live life as if there is no tomorrow.”

This is all crap. It is life. You will not get hit by a bus and in all probable cases you will live up to 70-80 years. You will have to live with the choices you make. Your decisions will come back to haunt you.

“Live life as if there is a tomorrow. As if, there are going to be many tomorrows.”

 

But still get a life insurance, just in case there is no tomorrow 🙂

Decisions

I received this email today:

There are 2 railway tracks, one of which is has been shutdown. A group of children decide to play on the one which is operational and 1 kid chooses to play on the one which had been shutdown. You are standing next to a manned switch, when you see a Train coming by. The train is bound for the operational track. The train can not be stopped; and only you can change its course.

You have 2 choices:

  1. Let the train go and risk lives of the group of kids who chose to play on the operation track or;
  2. Switch the train to the non-operational track and risk the life of the that 1 kid

What will you do? Is that right? Who has the right to decide what is right?

Well, a few of my friends have said to me – Sacrifice that one kid in favor of the many more. When asked why? they say it sounds moral and emotional right.
Let me tell you what I will do? – I will not change the course of the train and let destiny play its part for the kids who are playing on the track on which the train is bound. Maybe they are aware that that track is operational and are aware; or maybe they are just being ignorant kids. Who knows why that track is not operational and I may be putting many more at risk by making that decision.

It will be a hard to be there at that moment and be caught up in that dilemma; but I feel that is the right thing to do. Who am I to change someone’s destiny? If I ever get the choice, I would want to be in a position where I can inform kids and anyone else about the risks like that. I prefer to provide my suggestions and then let people make their choices, rather than make choices for them.

As for me, as along as I have faith in my decisions, I am doing justice to myself. I do not have an obligation to make others understand the rationale behind my choices.

 

Why I am going to US?

In last few weeks, I have managed to turned my life into a living nightmare of some sorts. I guess it all started when I took up an assignment on July 2010 for a year. I came back into India for a period of 3 weeks to get Aabhya’s admissions in nursery and get her started on her 14 years of educational journey.

Here I am still in India – for a period of 12 weeks; way more than I could have ever thought about. I have canceled my travel plans twice now and I am staring at travel on March 25 – just 3 days away. And once again, I am going through a phase of seeing Preeti sad and will be seeing Aabhya crying when I am leaving for Airport.

Starting Feb 7, 2011 – till date; I have been thinking about going or not going and I have been oscillating back and forth many times and several times in a day. I had to cancel my trip early March because I just could not take the pressure and thought maybe I can stay back. I was risking termination because of my action of canceling at the very last minutes. However, all things turned out well and currently, I do have an option of saying No to travel for this assignment `at least`. But, once again I am inclined to travel.

Preeti says – she can only see one reason which is “Money” – that I want to earn more money. Well here are my reasons:

  1. Sincerity and Honesty: I have been always sincere in my work – never said something that I could not do and never lied. Until early March when I did lie so that I do not have to travel. And somehow, I have not been at rest since that day. I feel that good things have happened to me in past because I have been honest in what I did; but this time dis-honesty is something that is not cut-out for me. Somehow, inside of me I want to make amends and get done with the assignment that I committed 8 months back
  2. Complacent and Fear: I have reached a point when I have started to find excuses for my doing challenging work – This project makes me work with some of the worst people; who are very politically influenced. I knew this from the start and never wanted to work with them. Last time around, I was kind of forced by fear of termination into this project and when I reached the ground i did quite OK. But, this time I see a chance of getting out and I was inclined to get out of the mess and do something else.
  3. Practicality over emotions: Last week my decision changed because I was offered a set of responsibilities that will provide me an opportunity to work in areas where I have not worked before and may lead me to a promotion by end of this year. I told this to Preeti and she asked me – what are the alternatives; if you do not do this, how long will your promotion be delayed? – I think it may be about another 1 – 2 years. Preeti is right in some sense if I can not sacrifice 2 years for a promotion than leave her and Aabhya for a a period of 4 months. I do not wish to do so because I believe in taking decisions on what I see in front of me right now. I can not foresee any part of the future and hence do not know what is going to be offered to me in upcoming next 2 years. I may or may not get what I am getting now. I do not think I can deal very well seeing people around me grow at a rate faster than me because they lick their boss’s ass and I ca not do that. Hence, my options are fairly limited and this is one opportunity that is going to get me to that place – hopefully.
  4. Career move: After a lot of hunting around in Indian markets, I have realized that there is no future for Architects. That role does not exist in a leadership role – CTO or CIO unless you have your own company or know someone in that position in an Indian company. I have to move over to a Program manager role and the responsibilities I am being offered in my current role, provide me with a very lucrative opportunity to move into that role and still get promoted without loosing any time. If I was to switch into this role now as a PM, it would mean another 2-3 years before I get into a PM stream.

I do see the point that I am going to sacrifice 4 months of my life with my wife and daughter and I am going to loose Aabhya’s early school life. I missed her start of Kindergarten and I am going to miss on her 3 months of Nursery too. I will miss Preeti’s birthday and any other occasions and events that will happen during this time. I will be able to speak to them daily and do video chats as and when possible. I know from past it will not be too frequent given our schedule.

And this is where I get emotional and conflicted. Career over Family? I do not think I am choosing Career or Family. I do feel that I am still choosing my Family over Career because this is step is going to get me to a position in a company where

  • I can continue to work just 8 hours in any given day;
  • Reach a leadership role where travel is limited to once of twice a year for about 1 week at a stretch and;
  • I can not live by a lie and teach my daughter to be of a principle. Although, the lie was for my family  but is a lie nevertheless, a breach of my integrity and ethics. A legacy I do not wish to leave for my daughter. I hope when she grows old she understands me and is able to pardon me for not being for her.

It is not about Money; Money is just a bi-product of what is happening. However, it is an important bi-product and can not be taken out of the equation. In all ways, however I look at it – Family always comes first. Nobody gains by leaving their Family behind to become CEO of a company and get lots of money, big houses, fast cars. All those are crap if you do not have your loved ones next to you when you die. And by no imagination do I want to earn that kind of money and give up the opportunity to spend a life with my family. But, then I can not also ignore the part the there are basic needs and we are at a point when those basic needs have found a way of evolving by themselves and we can not control those – Dad is going to get retired some day, Aabhya is growing up and she will have her own demands. Mum, Dad, Preeti and I are getting older and our health will have certain demands too – both time and money. I am not at a place where I can afford to take an average path and still be able to satisfy all those needs. This is one opportunity that will take me to a Sr. Manager position and will put in a place / position where I can move ahead with a slight advantage and deliver what my Family needs from me.

Life is about Choices and Balance

He was lying in his bed and thinking what went wrong over the years. He had a good job that provided for his family; he had a a loving family and they all met often, had enjoyed their time together. Somehow, over the years fate had taken a u-turn and for the first time he was facing problems providing so well for his family. Only today He had to ask his wife not to bring any more desserts after dinner and he saw tears coming through her eyes. A sudden realization filled his eyes with tears and his heart with remorse.

He lived in a small town with his family and he was living a very fulfilling life. His job was at the Cricket stadium where he officiated as the umpire in matches between his and a neighboring town. All was well until the day his son decided to join the rival team. Over a period of time, he started to cheat to help his son; not giving those LBW decisions. And, because there was no technology available then he was able to get away with it. What he did not realize that, this was not going to help anyone in the long run. What really happened slowly was that the other team started to loose the edge that they had and the matches started to become more one sided. Talented plays did not want to join the loosing team and the team grew weak every season. And because the matches were so one sided, people did not want to come and watch these games. The towns started to loose their revenues, the number of matches reduced and eventually his own income was also reduced. It also started to hurt his son because now he was not playing any quality bowlers and his game started to become weak and he lost his deft touch.

But the damage was now done, but he was determined to fix it. However, to bring the balance back to both towns it took him many years. He had to be careful not to be biased towards either of the town.

I see my life through the eyes of the umpire. The two teams being – my personal life and my careers. I have got to be careful that I do not cheat for either of the side and risk the mistake of ruining both. I just pray I have not messed it up already.

The smaller things of life

“How many people, make you feel special?” “How many people, make you feel extraordinary” – a few; maybe you will be able to count them on your fingers. Yet, most of us do not realize that they do so. Even when we do realize that; we are so busy with other chores in our life that we choose to ignore them.

God – has His own ways of teaching you lessons of life and some are not that easy. Some times those lessons are very easy going and you enjoy while, but at other times they bring in a lot of pain. It is like how one is educated. Play school, Pre-primary are all so much fun. We learn so much and yet enjoy. But, when we reach high-school the lessons get tougher and mistakes cost heavily. It is important who we are and how we choose to define ourselves.

 

Path to doors of destiny
Path to doors of destiny

Our lives are filled with crossroads and once we decide which path to take those path lead us to certain doors that help us define who we are.