I sit here at 11 in the night and waiting for my approval to trip back to India. I sent request for the approval on Thursday and have been waiting for three working days. I know the approval will come but I am waiting for the date that will come back in the approval – can be 15 or 22 july. I was supposed to go back in early July but has been pushed already. My anxiety to meet my family is increasing.
As I sit here and wait for the email to come, I can not reach out the person who has to approve the request. Only person I can reach out to is my manager and he is three levels down the person who has to approve. This makes me think – are they leaders? Why can I not reach out to anyone above my immediate manager? Why do we even have a hierarchy in place? Can we not do work in a horizontal leadership model? Why does pyramid has to exist?
The reason I know I can’t reach beyond Harsha (my direct manager) is because I have been asked so, I have been told rather instructed to go via Harsha for any details I need from people above him in hierarchy. I have been told by Krishna (Harsha’s manager – our Director) that he will meet his direct reports for any details he needs and there is no need for us to meet regularly. I feel he has shut the door on us and it will only open when we have any issues or escalations.
Why can’t he have the door open for all of 150 people who report into him? Why not? Why can’t he just be a leader? Or are they just managers?
It is important to start by saying that I do not believe in this statement. This is what I read a few days ago on someone’s Facebook wall (I don’t remember who; not that it matters).
But I do want to point out that people who believe in this statement are the ones from who you can expect a lot of office politics because these are the kinds of people who will do anything to keep you down and out in office, these are the people who spend time in thinking how to make other’s life miserable and not work towards the greater cause. These are the people who are not leaders because leaders believe in growing together.
If you ever come against someone who believes in this in your office try to stay away and done be a jerk.
Several times I have encountered homeless people – men, women and kids on roads. They walk up to me and look straight into my eyes. Everytime that happens, my heart starts to race and a conflict starts withing me. They say in several ways, but their eyes say the same thing – I am a fellow being and not doing well and am not as lucky as you. My mind and heart start to battle between helping and denial that this can also happen.
Living in Delhi for my entire life, I have learned to keep away from people. It is common to be asked for money and them scammed out of valuables from your car or be mugged. Like many people eventually I have been able to stop paying attention to all this solicitation. It took me a while, but now I am able to not pay any attention and just do whatever I am doing. At times, I barely hear them. It is like a construction noise you hear for months on end from a neighbor’s house being re-built.
Once that happens, and the person realizes that I am not going to care, they turn their attention to the next car/person and I am once again invisible. I just wish I was able to help these people. And, I am still searching for answers. I do try to reply by associating myself with some charitable institutes and help kids and/or women. However, every time I see a homeless people I just with there was a way to help them – maybe I just have not found it yet.
I do not understand why but I still am not able to calm down as I wish to. Well, there is a huge improvement from who I was in 2007, but I am still not there. There are sudden outbursts, and then there are times when I keep silent. I am just unable to strike that balance. There are reasons beyond explanation that make my mood go south.
I remember reading a while back:
Anything that makes you weak physically, intellectually and spiritually, reject as poison. There is no life in it…it can not be true…truth is strengthening. Truth is purity. Truth is all knowledge. Truth must be strengthening, must be enlightening, must be invigorating.