For One Self

Long time back I wrote about “life is all about sacrifices” and when I try I don’t even remember in what context did I make that post. Nevertheless it’s so true. It’s about what you chose.

Since then almost 5 years have passed and with time I have gained perspective around life. I believe that these 5 years have changed in ways that I can’t go back to who I was earlier. I do not know if that is for good or not but it has happened. Along the way somewhere I started to realize that this life or at least the one I have lived up till now has been about trying to make people happy. It all started when I was a kid and that was the conditioning which was given to me and my sister too. From the smallest of the things to the big ones it was always about “what will people think” so when relatives were visiting we had to be home arrested, when it was about studies it was about what my parents wanted me to do and countless things that I do not even remember now.

Somewhere down the line I started to revolt and my transformation started and it took me about 10 years to finish that transformation and realize that either I can live in the limbo and just do stuff that people around me want me to do or I can do something else. It was not a choice that I made at-least not consciously. For better or worse I am no longer the person I used to be. I have those times in a day when I am just plain happy because I just do things what I like to do and now what people want me to do. Simply put – I just do stuff.

During this transformation what did stuck with me was the sense of responsibilities towards someone but it was a weird sense. I realize that what I do hurts people and it hurts all the time and there is a sense of guilt, but that sense does not lingers for long. I get over it and at time I get over it dangerously fast. I hope that does not makes me a bad person but I am sure that surely does not makes me a liked person as well. Part of this transformation has morphed a world around me which only I understand. No matter how much I try no one can understand this world at least not until they are willing to understand the process I went through in last 30 years to get where I am now.

I have several people around me who expect me to do things that they want me to do; that they prefer. It’s build of an implicit set of expectations that comes with a relationship be it a son, sibling, husband, father, friend, boss, colleague etc. But, little those people realize that I am also an individual and I have my own needs. Little those people realize that I have gone through a set of life for 30 years or so and there are several million (if not billion) things that have happened which have made me a person who I am.

Like any thing or person there are good and bad things. I look at people around me (and i mean everyone) and I watch for the great, good, bad and ugly and I prefer for large part to ignore the bad and the ugly and see the good/great barring a few people in my life who I resent (long story for another day). I have stopped expecting things from people ~ actually the only expectations I have from people around me is to stop expecting stuff from me. I am happy with the way they are because thats what they want to be. Who am I to tell someone around me “what they should do” or “how they should behave” or “anything for that matter”. They are mature adults and they know what they are doing. They of course want to do things that make them happy and I mean small day to day things be it be on phone, go to office, spend time reading facebook or posting on facebook or whatever. I know I am happy just seeing them around me. I care and hence I am around. I do not go to a friends hours every night/evening – i come back home because I care about the people at home and I find happiness to be around the, “just around does for me”. I work in an office where I like the people around me. I may not like their every action but I like to go back and talk to them and speak with them and work with them.

Why can not people return to me the same courtesy/expectation/kindness? Why is it so difficult for them to realize that I like to do things my way ~ whatever those things may be? how hard is it?

now unless someone expects to do things with me thats a different story all together because then you have a clash of 2 universes and one will always loose because those are 2 opposite ends. It’s like a cricket match – one team has to come out losing. Now you do not play for “win some, lose some”. Everyone plays to win all but there are bad days. I have my good and my bad days but what happens on those bad days is because of choices I make. Now if my decisions on a day makes someone sad because they did not get what they wanted – does that makes me a bad person? Or should I simply just give in all the time and sacrifice?

You can either live loved and die with about 400 people besides you but knowing you did not do stuff for yourself or you can live for yourself and maybe die alone and hated.I am fast moving towards the later and I do not know yet if that is a good place to be. But, I know end of the day these are my choices and I wont have anyone else to blame when I am on the death bed. I will at least be saying to myself I lived my life on my terms rather than cursing 100s of people of making my life something I do not want it to be.

Does that makes me a bad person?