Passion // Worth it?

I am back today, because I feel the need to write out my thoughts and get rid of negative energy that has been flowing around me. I have been working on a project for last 12 months and it has been a wonderful experience for me. I have loved every minute of the project. It has been challenging, and a great learning. I have simply loved the work and I didn’t realize when I was being driven by a passion.

Today is not the first day, when I don’t feel like being associated with this project. It is not one thing that has led to me feeling like this – it has been a combination of several things and some of those most recently. However, I am still able to find something in me that makes me go back and get stuff done. I still fine myself working on things when the chips are down.

But, this passion of mine takes so much out of me – so much so that it makes me think if all this is worth it?

I don’t have an answer to the question yet; but I am hopeful that one day i am able to define what this balance means for me.

 

Support for Anna

A representation of the Lion Capital of Ashoka...

Image via Wikipedia

Fight democracy not with protests and violence, but with democracy. If you have support you should use it to fight it the right way. Any methods that can lead to harm people is not the right way of doing things. India against Corruption started a few months back when a Anna Hazare come up with a Lok Janpal Bill to fight against Corruption. However, started to heat up a fortnight back when Anna went on fasting as protest against the government. The whole Country is behind him and why not he is doing the right thing – trying to eradicate corruption from India. In just two weeks there are several forums that have come up to support this movement. A few have been linked below. I am sure there would be a twitter because I can see applications for mobiles too.

Read more here.

Death and Faith

It has been a while since I have thought about this topic. For some reason that I am not aware of, I have been hesitant to write about this or discuss this with anyone else. I vaguely brought this up with Preeti early 2011 when I was about to travel to USA in March. However, I did discuss this with Samita Thakur on length. I just was unable to discuss this with Preeti because I knew she would be completely psyched about it and just didn’t want her to get upset.

For a decade (2000-2010) I have maintained the place that “I am not afraid of death”. I believed that everyone has to die one day and once I die it is over for me. Death will not affect me because I am gone. I have always wanted a swift death; didn’t want to suffer. I don’t know when, but my thinking changed and I realized it when I started to travel so often to Hyderabad for office assignments. This was in the year 2010 itself (January to March). And, then later that year I had to travel to USA for office work. I had 2 trips planned in that duration and flying just made me so stressed out. I was paranoid about flying and the second time (March 2011), I was just over the top. It was so much so that my blood pressure was up to 130/100. It was that time when I discussed it with Preeti and Samita.

Of course, they both did mention the same thing that I had believed for almost a decade – why do you care? you can’t control it; if it happens it happens. If something bad has to happen it can happen anytime anywhere. I knew all that, yet air-travel has just been so stressful. Around time of travel, I would find reason in everything about why it happened this time and why not last time. A few examples:

  • Aparna’s mother-in-law asked to come to meet me especially in March just before travel and I was thinking – “why now? why not last time?”. Preeti told me she wanted to last time too and I was relieved;
  • I didn’t want to pick up a flight and just wanted to be assigned a flight to travel.

And there were more. It was a huge thing – I was challenging every event in March just before travel. Yet, I did travel and did arrive in Plymouth safely and now I am sitting today writing this on the eve of my travel. This time the travel plans have changed unplanned and once more I am asking myself the same question.

However, some part of me has always asked me this question – “Why would God bother to kill me in such an unusual way?” I don’t travel much, so why make all this trip on work assignment just to kill me in an air accident or put me through a misery. He can do this when, where and how He wishes it. I can’t explain myself why would he do this now; I have a daughter to take care of, a wife who thinks of me as her life and two parents who would be devastated if anything would happen to me (I just can’t imagine what would happen to them).

To top it all, I feel so sad just thinking about this. As I write this post, I am trembling from inside and I have a feeling that I have never had before – I can’t describe it. The saddest part is my realization that I am not trusting God and His decisions. Where I have faith in Him, I still think about this and in a way challenge His actions. He has done so many good things for me, and if He has decided to do this to me then who am I to question His deeds. I never questioned when good things happened; why about this. This is something out of my control and if it has to happen it will happen. I just can’t do anything about it.

I just need to find peace around this topic – if I continue to think about this that I am letting go of my Faith in Him; my faith in Him that he will take care of me; my Faith in Him to take care of my family. For a very long time, when I pray, I asked for one thing and one thing only – “Please do what is best for me”. When I start to think of all this, I let go of my faith in Him and his decisions around me.

<side-thought>Next few lines should help me understand and put this topic to rest for ever</side-thought>.

I have started to believe in Karma more strongly in recent times and believe that what we get is a result of our actions. I believe that God keeps a score for us – good deeds give us points and bad deeds take away points. What happens with us is a result of what our score is. I believe that Death comes when we have fulfilled our purpose in this life. I don’t know the purpose of my life, but whatever I do is in that direction – I just don’t know it. I don’t want to digress from topic, so I am going to end it by accepting my Faith over my fear.

I want to carry on with my life believing that God is going keep a watch over me as He has done in the past and He is going to do the same for my family too. I will just go about doing my stuff and try to do the right thing. I will try to choose my purpose and make people around me happy. Rest I will leave to God. He has brought us to existence and He will do what is best for us. Death is just another way of tempting me to let go of my Faith, but I will not. I will not stop doing what I am should do (Karma), and I will do it using my best judgement. God will judge me for my actions.

I have had doubts if this I should share this thought and what is the right way to share these thoughts with my parents, siblings, wife and children. So, after thinking for a long time, I am going to publish this post, because this is the easiest way for them to know what I believe in and what I have gone through for last 2 years. This is the best way for me to pass on my Faith to them especially in times when God is testing us. I just want everyone to know that I don’t think of death all the time, and I want to be around to fulfill my purpose of a son, a brother, a husband and a father. But, based upon my actions God will decide when I have served my purpose. And to let you know, as I end this post, I feel much lighter that I was a while ago. I know now, that I need to fix a few things in my life and do it while I have the time.

Three blasts rock Mumbai;

Mumbai police headquarters fort

Image via Wikipedia

Once again a sad for the country. May the souls of deceased rest in peace. Three blasts rock Mumbai - 8 reported dead, 70 injured. Read the full article from Times on India

Street Encounters

Several times I have encountered homeless people – men, women and kids on roads. They walk up to me and look straight into my eyes. Everytime that happens, my heart starts to race and a conflict starts withing me. They say in several ways, but their eyes say the same thing – I am a fellow being and not doing well and am not as lucky as you. My mind and heart start to battle between helping and denial that this can also happen.

Living in Delhi for my entire life, I have learned to keep away from people. It is common to be asked for money and them scammed out of valuables from your car or be mugged. Like many people eventually I have been able to stop paying attention to all this solicitation. It took me a while, but now I am able to not pay any attention and just do whatever I am doing. At times, I barely hear them. It is like a construction noise you hear for months on end from a neighbor’s house being re-built.

Once that happens, and the person realizes that I am not going to care, they turn their attention to the next car/person and I am once again invisible. I just wish I was able to help these people. And, I am still searching for answers. I do try to reply by associating myself with some charitable institutes and help kids and/or women. However, every time I see a homeless people I just with there was a way to help them – maybe I just have not found it yet.

The Flight of the Phoenix

I heard this piece in the movie “The Fight of the Phoenix” and it stuck immediately.

Let me tell you a story. A rabbi and a priest attend a boxing match. They watch as the boxers come into the ring. The rabbi sees one of the boxers cross himself.

So the rabbi turns to the priest and asks, “What does that mean?”

The priest says, “Not a damn thing if the man can’t fight.”

I wonder why?

I do not understand why but I still am not able to calm down as I wish to. Well, there is a huge improvement from who I was in 2007, but I am still not there. There are sudden outbursts, and then there are times when I keep silent. I am just unable to strike that balance. There are reasons beyond explanation that make my mood go south.

I remember reading a while back:

Anything that makes you weak physically, intellectually and spiritually, reject as poison. There is no life in it…it can not be true…truth is strengthening. Truth is purity. Truth is all knowledge. Truth must be strengthening, must be enlightening, must be invigorating.